?NEW?THINGS?

The weather has been fairly nice lately, a nice breeze and a fair amount of rain, I'm hoping it means we're in for a nice fall/winter. I remember the Christmas before last was 90 fucking degrees, which was ridiculous but I don't control the weather.

I guess the cooler weather has me in that kind of mood which also gets me in that "changing" kind of mood, kind of makes me want to start some new things or try some new things or something. I think most people feel that in January but it usually hits me about this time of year. Like I'd like to pick up a new hobby or try new restaurants and shit like that but I never really do. I barely keep up with the "hobbies" I have now and once you start getting in all those types of things they become expensive it seems like and as for trying new places...I have no excuse, I'm just kind of lazy and I never want to drive.

But I try to keep a good head about it and not let it discourage me from still at least wanting to try. I keep my list of places and things relatively small so that even if I only do 2 or 3 a year I'm not feeling like I failed.Also remind me that trying a new location of a place I've been 100 times does not count. SOOO we'll see, small hopes here in favor of getting things done.

ITSA ME

So, hello...its me

I've been moody, which is kind of normal because I'm generally moody but like petty...lashing out kind of irritable moody. I figure its mostly because I'm tired but also I'm on my period.

I've been feeling really crowded out lately also, like my space is being invaded physically and mentally and its draining, not that it takes a lot to wear me out to be honest but still. I need SPACE I need SOLACE I need to GET AWAY. I hate the feeling of being trapped and my time being used unwisely aka, spent on me, myself, and I.

I've been working a lot and the long stretches with small breaks is starting to make me a little ragged. I hope when summer is over and there aren't so many people taking days off things will go back to being a little more normal but until then I feel like a dried sponge. I've been dragging at work too, yesterday I sat in a back stairwell (because it doesn't have cameras) for about 15 minutes to rest because we have been kind of busy the last few days. I normally don't do stuff like that but I need a few minutes alone.

I'm getting my haircut on Tuesday so I'm hoping that will help, y know so I can at least look put together while I die on the inside. I'm hoping my bridesmaids dress will come in soon, I had to return it and order a bigger size because the bust was too small on the first on even though everything else fit pretty well sans the length of course but when your short you just expect that. 

This kind of a crappy post/update but since I haven't made a post in a while and was feeling like....I did.

FOOD BLOG #2

SO

For this weeks food log its kind of....uh...disgraceful.

Not only did I not really log anything but I think I had one "balanced" meal the whole week, which was a wrap on a spinach tortilla (which I only ate because my mom made me lunch) with buffalo chicken lunch meat and humus with some pop chips and a fruit mix.

At work they extended nurses week an extra few days so I ate there because I have no will power, I opted for the veggie burgers to save on fat and also because they're super good, no bun because the bread makes me sick with beans, coleslaw (much better this time) and some chips and I had that about three times through the week, along with chick fil a one day because we were busy and I had cake 5 times 💩, it was graduation for one of my coworkers kids and she brought in an extra cake she had like a devil and cake is my absolute favorite so....y'know.

I don't really even remember what all I ate besides that, its just been a mess, the only good thing is since I was so about eating healthier and all that shit it made me really disappointed reflecting on all the decisions I made. I knew it wouldn't be something I did 100% at the beginning so the guilt is a good thing I suppose, it means I still have this idea that I'm going to do better in my mind.

FOOD VLOG #1

Starting 4/29

Sunday

• breakfast - nothing 
• lunch - spicy miso ramen noodles (maruchan) around 250 calories I think
• dinner - a pina colada pureed popsicle (solero) and then about 30 minutes later I decided I wanted another one so I got a mango one, about 160 calories each

Monday

I slept most off and on most of the day because I felt awful with allergies and couldn't really breathe or taste so I had some crackers every couple hours

Tuesday

• breakfast - nothing 
• lunch - canned mini raviolis (chef boyardee my actual fucking weakness right here) at 460 calories with a small bag of plain potato chips at 200 calories
• dinner - spicy chicken ramen noodles at 210 calories

wednesday

• breakfast - caramel walnut brownie protein bar (luna) 190 calories and a sugar free redbull  at 5 calories
• lunch - 4 sesame seeds wasa thins at 160 calories, tuna with relish and mayo at 100 calories and 2 spicy pepperjack cheeses (laughing cow) at 70 calories
• dinner - uncrustable at 320 calories and bean and rice chips, barbecue flavor (beanfields) at 140 calories

thursday

• breakfast - caramel walnut brownie protein bar (luna) 190 calories
• lunch - tuna with relish 70 calories on sesame seed wasa thin crackers at 80 calories for 2
• dinner - frozen ziti with sauce and cheese (lean cuisine ?) at 310 calories

friday

• breakfast - nothing
• lunch - went to applebees and I ate soooooo much we had wonton tacos, brisket quesadilla, honey bbq boneless wings, and mozzarella sticks and I kind of looked at the calories and I'm guessing I probably had around 1800 - 2000 calories

And I didn't eat anything for dinner this day because I had a gallbladder attack around dinner time and I'm pretty sure its because of the ONE MOZZARELLA STICK I ATE. I don't really like them that much but my mom was like, "nooo these are so good try one". By the time it passed (about 15 or 20 minutes) and my stomach was finally settled I was exhausted so I just went to bed.

Saturday

• Breakfast - caramel walnut brownie protein bar (luna) 190 calories
• Lunch - Broccoli cheddar soup at 250 calories and 2 wasa thins with laughing cow swisss cheese at 150 calories together
• Dinner - Tuna with mayo and relish at 100 calories and 2 wasa thins at 70 calories ( we got really busy at work with emergencies so I didn't have time to eat all of my dinner)

Sunday

• Breakfast - 2 mini tortillas 150 calories filled with egg and cheese at 100 calories, totally not worth it I don't know why I keep fucking with eggs because they make my stomach hurt so bad.
• Lunch - DELICIOUS Veggie burger with the worst coleslaw I've ever had and the best baked beans I've ever had. They had a cook out at work in honor of nurses week and the last day all staff were invited to get food so I only have a rough estimate of the calories, between 700 - 800.
• dinner - a solera pina colada fruit puree popsicle - 160 (we got super busy at work and I was still feeling those eggs so I wasn't hungry)

intro to food vlogging

I want to try and do a kind of "food log" type thing every week or so and see if that also helps me out, maybe if I have a few days of too much indulging or not a lot of activity I can maybe reflect on the type of week I've had or what was maybe going and really see how things in life are affecting my diet and stuff.

I'll try to include calories of each thing if I can remember, I use the fitbit app to log my eating also but I'd like to do it here as well, I feel like maybe writing it all out will affect me, or give me time to reflect on something more than just logging something as I'm eating and then forgetting about it.

This weeks will not be too impressive, I finally succumbed to allergy season and have been feeling really fucking puny all week long, so I definitely did not do my at least 30 minutes of physical activity on my off days nor did I really make sure I was eating breakfast lunch and dinner each day, there are lots of skips of the meals going on, not purposely but because I either forgot, got busy or...as for breakfast, wasn't awake. 

I have to post queued up to post after this one, I originally had it all together but the post was just getting super long.

I'll try to make future ones look a little nicer and maybe include picture every now and then but I wanted to get in my first one before I started forgetting what I had eaten ( which I'm sure will happen in the future anyways ), but as I was typing and reading over my meals for the week I was unimpressed at the decisions I made and I already want to make next week better. While I knew I had a lot of not so healthy things, which is fine to go out and have a lil' sumin sumin with family or friends every now and then, I really thought I made way more good decisions than I actually did.

✌

A girls gotta eat though

I AM TRYING THIS AGAIN

I am going to start on a diet so that I can try to get my life in shape, also my body...it needs to be a different shape. I am feeling really motivated mostly because recently I was re-inspired by a girl who I watch on youtube (@simonandmartina or @eatyourkimchi on youtube) who struggles with health issues and is losing weight because to combat side effects of her chronic condition and is taking steps to incorporate better eating into her life style. I lake motivation when it comes to lots of things in life due to depression and I try to act out when I feel inspired because I feel like I can accomplish thing then.

Part of the reason I wanted to find some motivation is because I'm a terrible eater, not only am I picky but my eating habits are ridiculous. Sometimes I'll eat a ton in a day and other days I'll barely eat at all, like today my food was a pureed fruit bar for lunch and another one for dinner washed down with a redbull (I just never felt hungry today). I also eat a TON of carbs, I LOVE CARBS I LOOOOVE THEM, I have pasta at least 3 times a week and when I'm not eating pasta I'm having rice or potatoes those other days so its a carbapalooza for my body and I consume a ton of sugar; sugary drinks and candies are my thing, like I live for that kind of shit I really do. I also enjoy shitty foods like...no nutritional value and high sodium content is the way to my heart and this a true fact.

I need to be healthier, not only because being healthy is good but I want to better control of myself. 
ALSO ya girl needs to lose some weight, not only to be healthy but happy, I'm not going to pretend like it wouldn't make me happier to lose weight and then maintain a trimmer body. I've spent most of my life being overweight or chubby and I was never happy with it, I cannot embrace a body that I am not happy with simple as that.

A LIST

• making meals for work
• trying to fit in at least 30 minutes of physical activity on days I'm not at work
• cutting my carb intake by 30%

I'm starting small (very small) because taking small steps work for me most of the time. 

A few years ago I lost a TON of weight (most of it was unhealthy ways but I'll take about that another time) and I did a huge drastic "cut everything out of my diet except vegetables and water" and that total cut of everything I loved and obsessive calorie counting became my downfall. So this time around I want it to be a diet that helps lead a change in life style (gag) so that I can be healthy and continuing enjoying food because I LOVE FOOD. 

My next post will be more of a list-y type post with some plans and ideas that I have for trying to make this work.